The Big M Shield
Dr. Lionel Jensen ready to defend his PhD in September 2017 complete with shield and scissors… with which he continues to run with despite us trying to teach him otherwise. He is at UBC medical school training to be an anesthesiologist fittingly enough.
Marchant Lab Shield History (Circa 2017 Anno Domini)
You hold in your hands an account of the fabled history of the Marchant Lab Shield [transcribers notes (Big M)]
Back when the days were old, in a faraway land, there was a young warrior by the name of David “The Canadian” Marchant [really Cam? Anyway sure, let’s see where this goes]. Despite his ginger appearance [careful with the G word son], Marchant was a determined knight [sure] on an epic quest to defeat the terrible dragon called Thesis . After many long years Marchant finally tracked down and cornered the beast [oh my]. On the eve of final confrontation Marchant was aware that he possessed all of the knowledge required to defeat the monster [why not], but what he lacked was a bona fide means to defend himself. It was to the purpose of successfully defending that Marchant constructed a sturdy shield [YEAH, it weighs 50 pounds and it was built by you and your father Cam, or do you not remember?… thanks Mr. Griffiths!], emblazoned with ancient symbols and imbued [that is a BIG word for you] with the power to ward off any attack. Equipped with his shield, Marchant defeated and beheaded the dreaded beast, claiming the Parted head of the Dragon (PhD) as his reward. In the aftermath, countless pints were consumed [I don’t have a problem, YOU have a problem] and many celebrations were had [well, there was one and there were like 3 of us].
However, the adventurous spirit within Marchant could not be quelled and he embarked on a new journey to a lush and fertile land [there’s two more paragraphs!?!?] When he arrived, Marchant was greeted by a grand tournament with a number of knights fiercely competing. With Shield in hand, and filled with confidence [nope] from his recent triumph, our protagonist donned his orange socks [I wore them once] and fought bravely, earning many victories [I have a VERY different memory of my postdoctoral fellowship]. However, his opponents were also cunning and in the dark of night stole Marchant’s prized shield [no that’s not true]. Without the strength provided by his shield [I whimpered softly to myself?], Marchant’s victorious path began to slide into one of looming defeat [always in fact]. In his darkest hour, filled with despair, Marchant came to a realization. The shield was not only a physical object [that is very heavy], but the strength provided also resided in his heart [hey, why not?]. With newfound vigor [nope], Marchant rallied to defeat his opponents and shouted out [more of a squeak really] “what did you learn!?” as he reclaimed the shield rightfully his [well, not really, that referred to the proclamation I made to a feckless snowboarder from whom I stole a huge swath of fresh powdies because he was fiddling with his GoPro, snooze and lose! Hah! Snowboarders. Oh right, the story]. With the shield in his heart and hand, Marchant then set out to a cold and barren land with the hope of establishing his own kingdom and training a new generation of knights…
[Oh good there’s more] The Marchant lab Shield has now been passed to you in your time of greatest need [because Marchant’s mentorship couldn’t have been sufficient? Thank you for that Cam] and with it you are protected by the strength of all those that have defended before you. Since you have been entrusted with this ancient piece of heraldry [what?], there are traditions to be upheld. You must carry the shield with you as you defend and take pride that you will be adding your own knowledge and power to protect those that follow [we really need to wrap this up]. After your defense, do not forget to celebrate with your fellow knights of the Marchant lab (preferably by purchasing a round at your local tavern or coffee shop) [you buying anyone a drink is just a blatant lie Cameron and you know it]. Go forth to your final battle and remember that the strength of the shield lies both in the physical object and within you [ah, that’s really nice actually].
Carry it with honor
